All is well, and has been since the last post, thankfully. Pot seems well - not that I can really tell. All the websites and forums say I should be feeling huge amounts of kicking and wriggling, possibly enough to keep me awake. No chance of that - I can hardly feel it moving, though when I do and it's quite a definite feeling, it's really rather wonderful. Nothing from the outside yet, but am only just 19 weeks and so expecting not to feel anything for another couple of weeks. Hope that N gets to feel it moving before too long though, I feel a bit like I'm hogging it all!! Not really much I can do about that, obviously.
Got a bit tearful last night, and still not quite sure why. Hormones, I'm sure, come into it somewhere. But I was just reading the Miriam Stoppard book on pregnancy and there was this huge long list of things I shouldn't be eating, and although I knew logically and rationally it was a load of rubbish, that no-one is so saintly that they never have anything on that list, it really upset me and made me feel like I have already ruined Pot's best chances in life because I didn't have the will power to say no to chocolate. Hmmm. I know that's not true but honestly, these books and articles really do make you feel bad. Same with exercise - everything seems to say that if you're not going swimming, to yoga, walking, stretching, etc etc etc then everything's going to be horrendous, the birth will be far worse and the recovery time will treble. Well - now the weather is improving a bit maybe we'll get out for a few more walks. I really should try to go at lunchtimes maybe, get a bit of fresh air and some time away from my desk. We'll see. Am going to look up local pool and see if they do late opening. Like Christmas shopping. Secret swimming... but anyway, have about had my fill of self-righteous yoga-practising, nut-and-seed munching holier-than-thou preachy types. Pot likes chocolate!
I have had a headache for 3 days. Very annoying. Wish it would go away. Maybe I need more sleep. Maybe less. Having lots of water. Hopefully it will go eventually. And my belly button is getting very close to being an outy - quite funny! N is being very sweet and not letting me think I'm all lardy and horrible. He sent me flowers at work today - I nearly cried. Timing was spot on - I felt very grateful and in love.
Went to Harry Potter set visit yesterday which was brilliant fun - Pot must be the youngest baby ever to meet Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint!
I think that's enough for now - Pot is starting to wriggle a bit so must be time for bed! Am loving this - it's so much fun. Can't believe everyone always moans about pregnancy - I'm so happy.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Saturday, 12 April 2008
Relief doesn't come close...
Having had the high risk blood test results, the next few days were just a nightmare. We felt like everything was on hold. We knew we wanted to have the amniocentesis, as a) we couldn't bear the uncertainty for 5 months and b) we knew we didn't want to have a DS baby, so we also knew exactly what the consequences of a bad result would be. So by the time Monday rolled around we were really worried. I was very nervous about the procedure. Fortunately they didn't keep us waiting, and the consultant was very calm and reassuring, quite matter of fact, not overly sentimental about it all, just very practical and a very reassuring presence. Heather, who I'd been plaguing with questions all week on the phone, was the midwife in attendance, as well as another midwife whose name I didn't catch.
Pot was wriggling like anything and taking up all the space - it was lovely to see him / her again, and so much bigger than before. It took quite a while for them to find a space big enough to get the needle in. It hurt. Not hugely, but quite a bit. More than anything though I was just incredibly tense. It took a while - Nick said afterwards it looked like they were taking way more than the 20ml needed. But they got a good clean sample so we were able to send it off to the Amnio-PCR lab for fast-track results. I nearly passed out afterwards - mostly because of the relief of it being over I think. Had some iced water and then it was OK.
Nick did a great job of looking after me on Monday and Tuesday - I watched an awful lot of Buffy! But took it all very easy, and fortunately there wasn't a lot of pain which was a relief, as I'd read you can get quite bad cramps and so on for a few days. It was reassuring not having those, so by the time I went back to work on Wednesday I was reasonably confident the process wasn't going to cause a miscarriage. However, every little twinge and cramp and muscle movement sent me into panic, so was quite frequently dashing off to the loo to check everything was OK. Scary time. And the risk period isn't really over yet, so am still taking it very easy and not lifting or pulling or pushing anything at all heavy.
Time really slowed down. We had been told that we were likely to get the results on Thursday so it was hard not to be phone-watching the whole time. SOme of the time I felt excited, glad we would be getting it over and done with. But I was also petrified - what if the results were bad? How would we cope if we had to have a termination? No more Pot... it was hideous. Fortunately the whole human coping mechanism seemed to be kicking in with some force, and made it hard for me to really focus on the negatives too much, or evenhow scared I was. It was a bit like trying to focus on a sunspot - the thoughts just slide off to one side and you can't really dig in and panic. Which was fortunate.
We got the call just before 4pm. Everything was fine.
We will get the full amnio results in a couple of weeks with the full breakdown, but for now we are reassured that Pot tested negative for DS, Edwards and the third one which I can never remember. Which were the ones we were worried about. There is something utterly bleak and terrifying about something being described as "incompatible with life". That's Edward's, apparently. Sounds like some horrible wartime torture euphemism or something.
But anyway - all is fine, and the relief was just immense. I nearly burst into tears - Nick was the same when I called him, even Dad welled up apparently. Such an emotional few days, but now at least we feel we can really get on with enjoying every minute of this incredible process.
Off to Jon and Susie's today so will be seeing Doug and Kim as well, so should be a fun weekend. It could all have been so different - the difference between negative and positive, the difference one little chromosome can make. It's humbling. I have never felt so grateful in my life.
Pot was wriggling like anything and taking up all the space - it was lovely to see him / her again, and so much bigger than before. It took quite a while for them to find a space big enough to get the needle in. It hurt. Not hugely, but quite a bit. More than anything though I was just incredibly tense. It took a while - Nick said afterwards it looked like they were taking way more than the 20ml needed. But they got a good clean sample so we were able to send it off to the Amnio-PCR lab for fast-track results. I nearly passed out afterwards - mostly because of the relief of it being over I think. Had some iced water and then it was OK.
Nick did a great job of looking after me on Monday and Tuesday - I watched an awful lot of Buffy! But took it all very easy, and fortunately there wasn't a lot of pain which was a relief, as I'd read you can get quite bad cramps and so on for a few days. It was reassuring not having those, so by the time I went back to work on Wednesday I was reasonably confident the process wasn't going to cause a miscarriage. However, every little twinge and cramp and muscle movement sent me into panic, so was quite frequently dashing off to the loo to check everything was OK. Scary time. And the risk period isn't really over yet, so am still taking it very easy and not lifting or pulling or pushing anything at all heavy.
Time really slowed down. We had been told that we were likely to get the results on Thursday so it was hard not to be phone-watching the whole time. SOme of the time I felt excited, glad we would be getting it over and done with. But I was also petrified - what if the results were bad? How would we cope if we had to have a termination? No more Pot... it was hideous. Fortunately the whole human coping mechanism seemed to be kicking in with some force, and made it hard for me to really focus on the negatives too much, or evenhow scared I was. It was a bit like trying to focus on a sunspot - the thoughts just slide off to one side and you can't really dig in and panic. Which was fortunate.
We got the call just before 4pm. Everything was fine.
We will get the full amnio results in a couple of weeks with the full breakdown, but for now we are reassured that Pot tested negative for DS, Edwards and the third one which I can never remember. Which were the ones we were worried about. There is something utterly bleak and terrifying about something being described as "incompatible with life". That's Edward's, apparently. Sounds like some horrible wartime torture euphemism or something.
But anyway - all is fine, and the relief was just immense. I nearly burst into tears - Nick was the same when I called him, even Dad welled up apparently. Such an emotional few days, but now at least we feel we can really get on with enjoying every minute of this incredible process.
Off to Jon and Susie's today so will be seeing Doug and Kim as well, so should be a fun weekend. It could all have been so different - the difference between negative and positive, the difference one little chromosome can make. It's humbling. I have never felt so grateful in my life.
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
Triple Stressed
Bad pun, sorry.
Had my triple test last week - got the results yesterday to say I am "high risk" at 1:221 chance of the baby being DS. We were pretty upset at the news - the decision is whether or not to have an amniocentesis. The answer - we're going to have the test. I just can't stand the idea of five months of not knowing. Plus, to be brutally honest, we don't want a DS baby. Does that make us bad people? I feel very selfish saying it, but we don't. And we don't think it's very fair to the child either. We want our baby to have every privilege and opportunity in life that we have both had - medical science allows us to know. So we're going to find out. No wonder people say ignorance is bliss. The stats are in our favour - but 1% risk suddenly sounds huge. I don't think it's possible to understand unless it happens to you. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's a horrible, horrible choice. The idea of losing pot... can't bear to think about it. But hopefully what it will confirm is that everything is fine. And hopefully the procedure itself won't cause a miscarriage. That's the worry too.
Too many thoughts - want to just switch off brain. So I think it's bedtime. Numb it with lots of work tomorrow and get the test over and done with next week. Plenty of women have this done and many don't think too hard about it. Maybe we're over-reacting and over-analysing. If I believed in God I'd be praying right now.
Had my triple test last week - got the results yesterday to say I am "high risk" at 1:221 chance of the baby being DS. We were pretty upset at the news - the decision is whether or not to have an amniocentesis. The answer - we're going to have the test. I just can't stand the idea of five months of not knowing. Plus, to be brutally honest, we don't want a DS baby. Does that make us bad people? I feel very selfish saying it, but we don't. And we don't think it's very fair to the child either. We want our baby to have every privilege and opportunity in life that we have both had - medical science allows us to know. So we're going to find out. No wonder people say ignorance is bliss. The stats are in our favour - but 1% risk suddenly sounds huge. I don't think it's possible to understand unless it happens to you. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's a horrible, horrible choice. The idea of losing pot... can't bear to think about it. But hopefully what it will confirm is that everything is fine. And hopefully the procedure itself won't cause a miscarriage. That's the worry too.
Too many thoughts - want to just switch off brain. So I think it's bedtime. Numb it with lots of work tomorrow and get the test over and done with next week. Plenty of women have this done and many don't think too hard about it. Maybe we're over-reacting and over-analysing. If I believed in God I'd be praying right now.
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